We Arise! 10 Strategies For Restoring “Black Love”
I receive about 250 e-mails a day from people from around the nation who are searching for answers on how to deal with the negativity surrounding Black love. Many of these individuals have faint hopes or have completely given up on finding and experiencing true love. Before revealing the ten strategies for restoring Black love, it would only be befitting if we first acknowledged the beliefs, sentiments, observations and opinions that represent millions of Black men and women in America. These are their words…
*In every relationship I’ve been in, I have always been a woman of my word. Yet, I keep running into lying, cheating doggish men who think its better to play games than to be men of character. You may not be one of those brothas, but whether you like it or not, trust me, they have given the good brothas a bad rap.
*As a Black man I would love to meet and marry a Black woman, but seeing that I abhor the thug subculture, I have been made an outcast amongst my own. Most Black females look at me as being unmanly because my hair is not braided, I have no tattoos, earrings or piercings, I don't speak thug lingo and I don't have any street credibility. It has become harder and harder to reach Black women. What is a man like myself to do? Where do I turn? Do I just give up? Search for a woman from another race? Is there something we can do?
*Candidly , I’ve given up on Black men… I view them the same way I view men from other races; I’m indifferent. I don’t attack them with disparaging remarks, I just tolerate them where socially mandatory.
*This past year I counted on one hand, the number of single women I met who did not have any children. I can’t speak for other men, but I’m not going to date or marry a woman with children. When I explain this, Black women get offended! They claim they didn’t intend on becoming unwed moms, uh, hmmm? I’m 33 years of age and I have NO children, NO sexually transmitted diseases and NO baggage because I have standards and I exercise my power to say, “I’ll wait!” Why do so many sistahs keep making the same mistake? Don’t they have any standards?
*I feel like I have a RIGHT to show anger at men because the first man I gave myself to, hurt me. He said he loved me, had sex with me and then just disappeared. After I gave him a special part of me that I can never get back, (my virginity) he made me feel like a cheap piece of meat. Since then, I have opened myself up to other men… same results. Yes, I am ANGRY at men! ALL men are dogs and I’m not going to change my opinion until a Black man proves me wrong!
*It's enough that Black men have to deal with the myths, stigmas and stereotypes of society. We now experience a type of racial profiling from Black women. We are forced to deal with propaganda spread by Black women who passionately swear that we DO NOT exist! As a single, professional, educated, Black man, it hurts to hear this rhetoric. The stories I hear from Black women about our non-existence amazes me. It also hurts to know that before they get a chance to know you, they have their minds made up that you are a unreliable, uneducated, cheater and liar who is going nowhere in life. For those of us who do exist, they seem to want to pass us over for the excitement and lure of the street jocks they claim to despise. Woefully, this says a lot about our mentality and the condition of Black relationships.
*Why are so many African-American Christian women single when they desire to be married? I know most of these women desire to do the will of God and not indulge in sexual immorality.
*Frankly, I have abandoned the thought of being with a Black woman. I hate to say it -- but the prospect of any man having to go through 100 or more; angry, bitter, contentious or vengeful females to find ONE suitable mate is to horrible a journey for any man to trek. Yet, that is the norm. In the end I can see why so many black males are retreating from Black women. No one has a lifetime to find ONE good woman who chooses to be responsive and not reactive or combative.
*My single mother struggled to raise my siblings and me. My father did nothing for us and I believe that growing up without a dad has negatively impacted me. To be honest my father let us down and hurt us so many times and in so many ways, I don’t believe I will ever be able to trust a man. Because of my disgust, I have run a number of good men out of my life. Depressingly, like my mom, I have now become a single mother. The twist is, my child’s father is just like my dad. I swore this wouldn’t happen to me, where did I go wrong?
Although countless "experts" and panelist have held seminars and conferences and written numerous books and articles to address these alarming issues, quite frankly, as one of my elders to use to say, “We seem to be spinning our wheels in the mud!” Is there hope? Unequivocally “Yes!” Our response to the negativity is locked within these ten potent strategies, that once implemented, will change the landscape of Black love forever. What is a strategy? A strategy is a plan.
It is the science and art of using all the forces of a nation to execute plans that secures its safety, security and advancement. Our plan of action is to restore the Black family by shoring up all of our weaknesses and marshalling all of our strengths to secure our safety, security and advancement. With that being said, here are the ten strategies…
Strategy #1: Concerning the war of the sexes, we must issue a national “Cease fire!” The prevalent tone amongst too many Black men and women is negativity toward each other. Some women swear that ALL Black men are dogs and various men claim that ALL Black females have mean nasty attitudes. Although these statements are outright lies, these opposing brigades doggedly persuade others to adopt their cynical beliefs. They overwhelmingly convince the masses to accept their false perceptions as irrefutable truths.
They constantly bombard us with proof negative: their love let downs, dud dates, risky relationships, hurts, unplanned pregnancies, child abandonment incidents and failed marriages. In their minds, their bad experience(s) is all the evidence needed to prove that ALL Black men are untrustworthy, unreliable dogs and ALL Black women are bitter, conniving hussies. They fuel this unwinnable war by aggressively publicizing overblown exaggerations, emotionally charged malicious opinions, harmful lies and phantom statistics about the opposite sex.
In this war, the casualties are mounting daily and only a cease-fire will quail the storm. I realize that everyone is not going to buy into this strategy. Some men and women revel in being angry, bitter , vengeful and unforgiving. However, if enough of us agree to this treaty, we will be able to restore Black love to the masses.
Strategy #2: We must make it unacceptable to hurt and tear one another down. In our current environment: disrespecting, degrading and tearing one another down has become acceptable. Alarmingly, our sons and daughters are taught these detrimental traits at very early ages. How sad that many of our young Black boys have been convinced to aspire to be pimps and thugs and our young girls are now clamoring after hustlers and hoodlums. Clearly, this a recipe for disaster. Only we can change this genocidal mindset. We cannot depend on our government or look to other outside sources; it starts with us!
There was a time when our men protected our daughters from thugs, pimps and players. In this new era, we have allowed these predatory males to enjoy a cultural badge of honor. Shamefully, as they demoralize and decimate our daughters, they are applauded by the masses. It is our duty to change this mindset. We must make it unacceptable to dishonor our women and abandon our children. We must make it unacceptable to attack our men with false malicious generalizations that undermine our confidence in them.
Strategy #3: We must make a firm unrelenting commitment to love, honor and respect one another. This healthy mindset is part of the core foundation of any (strong): team, company, church, marriage, country or nation of people. It is no mystery as to how they acquire this favorable state of mind. It is simply this; almost everyone has made the decision to love, honor and respect one another and to build one another up. This is a crucial decision that each of us can and must make. We can create a camaraderie that is contagious!
Strategy #4: We must create a safe talk environment. Currently, when a person expresses their reservations, opinions or questions about the opposite sex, they are usually met with retaliation, verbal jousting matches, resentment, ridicule or pointless debates. We must establish safe talk environments that encourage open dialogue. Until we accomplish this crucial undertaking, we will not diffuse the negative persona permeating our communities. These fruitful peace talks will serve to clear the air of the myriad of corrosive exaggerations, misperceptions and brazen lies that thwart Black love.
Strategy #5: We must acknowledge our harmful beliefs and behaviors and change them. Because of the breakdown of the family, a rejection of morals and values and a lack of training, we have adopted harmful beliefs and behaviors that have spurned the demise of the Black family. Until we admit our faults and change our harmful behaviors, we will continue adding casualties to the ever increasing lists of HIV/AIDS patients, unwed mothers, broken homes, misogynistic men and to the divorce courts . The restoration starts with us! Or, it ends with us!
Strategy #6: We must stop blaming our relationship and marital woes on others . This has become one of our most crippling character traits. We continue to blame our relationship and marital woes on Post Traumatic Slavery Syndrome, the Willie Lynch effect and a host of other politically correct cop-outs. Our forefathers lived through the beatings, lynchings, brazen racism, rapes and brutal murders daily. Yet, they held their families together and exemplified Black love. Know this; we can emulate their success! It starts with what’s in our minds and hearts. Loving, caring for and uplifting one another is a decision.
Strategy #7: We must develop faith for the future. This is not a complicated task. It is an invigorating mission! As bad as things seem, we can develop hope and faith for future love by learning from our mistakes and by magnifying and multiplying our successes. I have faith in Black love because I know countless couples who have vibrant marriages. I look to those husbands and wives as one of my sources of inspiration in a negative world. They give me faith for the future. They’re out there, blessed couples who can give us a bird’s eye view on how to do love right. When we look to them as our mentors, guides and role models, faith for our love stories will rise to heights untold!
Strategy #8: We mustidentify and expose “Outlanders and Interlopers.” This truth may be hard for some folks to swallow, but to say that all Black Americans care about the Black family is false. We have in our midst, outlanders and interlopers. An outlander is a Black person who shows no allegiance to the Black family. An interloper is a Black person who claims they are about the Black family. However, they exploit their own people for the sake of obtaining sexual gratification, media exposure, financial gain, political power and religious clout.
Whether they’re selling crack cocaine, inciting immorality, making and marketing demoralizing music, pimping parishioners or bartering votes behind closed doors, these Black men and women undermine the Black family without any guilt or shame to their games. Our message to them must be clear, firm and relentless; you’ve betrayed us! Therefore, we reject your purported leadership, high acclaim, amazing talents and political and financial accomplishments. We will be pawns for no one!
Strategy #9: Our men must rise to the challenge of training our boys to be men. For centuries, it was the charge of the elders in the community to take the boys from the arms of their mothers and mold them into honorable men. Rites of Passage, rigorous mentoring and training were the standard. As time progressed, many men failed to see the significance of this crucial facet of a young boy's life and some women outright objected to it. Consequently, the men ceased to men train our boys and the cataclysmic genocidal cycle was in full effect.
The new mentors became: single mothers, the hood, pimps, players, ballers, shot callers, rappers, the penal system, juvenile detention centers, hip hop and foster homes. The resultant effect, our young boys lost their way. They enter into adulthood with a subverted view of manhood that leaves them: confused, frustrated, hopeless and glaringly misogynistic. We can positively change their outlook in life, but only if two things happen: (a) our men take the charge of fathering and mentoring boys seriously, and (b) our women wholeheartedly support us. Know this; very little will change in the Black family until we properly deal with this critical issue of raising our boys right.
Strategy #10: We must convince our men and women to receive proper training before dating or marrying. Most African American men and women learn about risky relationships the hard way; by firsthand experience. They add their names to the long list of individuals who chose the wrong mate or who unwittingly became the wrong mate. They could’ve easily avoided being left pregnant and alone, abused, infected with HIV/AIDS virus, in an abortion clinic or in a divorce court, had they been armed with (proper) knowledge about love, sex, relationships and marriage.
This lack of (proper) knowledge is one of the major epidemics decimating the Black family. We have ignored this truth for far too long! Starting with our parents, churches and other leaders, we must take charge and show others the way, the truth and the light! We accomplish this by convincing the masses of the vital importance of properly preparing for love. Is it a major task? “Yes!” But it’s one we will attain because in times of turmoil, we have always risen to the challenge.
This is (our) strategy for restoring Black love. The Black family will experience a renaissance as you become part of the solution by joining this revolution! The mathematical equation is simple; strong people build strong relationships, strong relationships build strong families, strong families build strong communities and strong communities build strong nations. This is our time to turn back the hand of hopelessness and despair. We can do it! Let us arise and go up at once, for we are well able to take the land!
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