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Why Do So Many Marriages Fail?

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Chances are you know someone who has endured the pain of a miserable marriage or had to swallow the bitter pill of divorce.

Why do so many men and women who truly believed they were soul mates and lovers for life, find themselves combatants in the divorce court? The answers to those questions are not complicated at all. Follow me closely as we get to the bottom line reasons why so many marriages fail.

by Gillis Triplett

What a Mangled Web We’ve Weaved
Although we read and hear the alarming divorce statistics day-in and day-out, rarely do these facts seem to bother the masses. I’ll put our tragic divorce rate into proper perspective by asking this loaded question. “What do you think would happen if one out of every two aircraft that took off from the runway crash-landed?”

Answer: we the people, both flyers and non-flyers alike, would demand that the (FAA) Federal Aviation Administration and the (NTSB) National Transportation Safety Board perform a thorough investigation.

In all probability, we would insist that the President issue a no-fly order until this grave situation was corrected. We would adamantly demand that all aircraft be thoroughly inspected along with the runways, radars, air traffic controllers, fuel and the mechanics. We would check for terrorist plots and review everyone else and everything else involved in the equation until we got to the bottom line reason(s) why so many aircrafts were crash landing.

Having said that, one out of every two marriages that takes off from the wedding altar, crash lands in the divorce court. In the African American community that figure is worse! Consequently, we should all be in an uproar! We should all be moved to the point that we demand changes!

Surely I can’t be the only person who feels this way?

Irrefutably, this is cause for everyone who desires to marry, have a family and leave a wholesome legacy - to step back and ask these types of questions, “What’s going on? What are we doing wrong?” And most importantly, “How do we fix this mangled web that we have weaved?” But regrettably, for most men and women, it’s business as usual as they continue to marry and then divorce at a blistering pace.

This Is How We Do It?
Below are just a few of the more than four thousand actual cases and incidents of marriage and divorce that I have tracked and archived over the years. Pay close attention to how these men and women entered into their doomed unions.

Keisha H. , was a sweet, trusting and understanding woman until she met her husband, “Grant” during a church revival. The pastor prophesied that Grant would meet the woman of his dreams during the service. After eyeing Keisha, Grant made up his mind, “She’s The One!” The two never got to know each other. Based solely on their seemingly divinely inspired meeting, Grant talked Keisha into believing their union was ordained of G-O-D! It was Grant’s 3rd such trip down the aisle. Each one purportedly inspired by God. Their marriage lasted two and a half years before crashing and burning. Grant is already on his forth union, also supposedly inspired by God. He has tarnished every woman who made the mistake of not recognizing his deceit.

Leonard D. , found out that his wife was HIV positive a year and a half after they exchanged wedding vows. She cut herself in the kitchen and was bleeding profusely so he rushed her to the hospital. It was during the doctor’s examination that Leonard learned of her HIV infection. Asked why she didn’t tell him she was infected before they married, she said: “I didn’t tell Len because I love him and I didn’t want to loose him.” Leonard filed for divorce and was awaiting his HIV test results at publishing.

Karen T., was mesmerized when she laid her eyes on the man of her dreams. Two weeks later they were engaging in knee-buckling, earth shattering sex. Three months later they moved in together and about a year later they married. After the wedding bells quieted, they awakened to the harrowing revelation that the only good thing between them was the SEX. With diametrically opposing views of family, spirituality, husband-wife relations, finances and children, these two had literally nothing in common. They ended up in the divorce court as mortal combatants.

Brian. S. , was informed by a female he was having casual sex with that she was pregnant and he was the father of her child. After much prodding from her, Brian grudgingly agreed to marriage. Four tumultuous years later, his disgruntled wife decided to split, but not prior to taking him to the bank. Suspicious of her, Brian’s attorney urged him to obtain a legal DNA test of the child. Turns out Brian was not the biological father. Needless to say he was furious! After all, he only married her because she was pregnant.

Eric A., asserted after he, his parents and all of his siblings each experienced multiple divorces, that no marriage was designed to last. When asked had anyone in his family received any marriage preparation training or pre-martial counseling, Eric responded by saying, “Why does a person need to get training or counseling for something that comes so natural?”

Without a doubt, marriage is one of the most important decisions we’ll ever make in our lives. Shamefully, too many men and women give more thought to their education, careers and home purchases than they do marriage preparation and the selection of their mate. Why do so many marriages fail? Here are the primary reasons. Learn them and avoid them with every fiber of your being.

  1. They become the wrong mate
  2. They chose the wrong mate
  3. Their marriage was established on a weak foundation, (i.e. sex, unplanned pregnancy, her biological clock, his need to control women)
  4. They didn’t properly get to know each other
  5. They were unequally yoked
  6. Their past relationships/marriages came back to haunt them
  7. One or both spouses:
    • Made false assumptions about the other
    • Brought harmful baggage or unresolved issues into their union
    • Had soul ties with past: spouses, lovers or sex partners
    • Did not know the “Art of Communication”
    • Were too immature to marry
    • Could not accept the other’s child(ren)
    • Entered the union infected the HIV/AIDS virus or some other STD
    • Harbored bitterness toward the opposite sex prior to their wedding
    • Had a defective/bad character
    • Married for the wrong reason(s)
    • Were bound by a generational curse of divorce
    • Had an improper vision for the family
    • Had unrealistic marital expectations
    • Didn’t comprehend the financial responsibilities or marriage
    • Never had proper marital role models
    • Never submitted to pre-marital training, counseling of mentoring
    • Didn’t know, understand or comprehend what “True Love” is
    • Didn’t know or understand what commitment is
    • Didn’t know, understand or respect the sacredness of the marriage covenant

Who Are You To Judge Me?
The problem is not with the institution of marriage. The problem is with how we have been doing marriage. We have been doing it wrong! People either choose the wrong mate or they become the wrong mate.

However, instead of healing from their past hurts, admitting their bad choices and harmful decisions, correcting their defective characters and properly addressing their baggage, the average man and woman takes the road most traveled. They place the blame of their failed unions on:

[a] The opposite sex, (i.e. all men are dogs - there are no good women)
[b] They start claiming marriage is obsolete
[c] Their belief that no one can be trusted
[d] They blame God, religion, the church morality or their family
[e] They falsely claim that no marriage is meant to last
[f] They blame anything or anyone else, while the true culprit; the man or woman in the mirror continues to make a mangled mess of matrimony.

God forbid that you bring their sins, wrongdoings, shortcomings or faults to the light. I once counseled a man who looked me square in my eyes and brazenly asserted that he had a right to beat his wife. “That’s how I make her obey me,” he said. When I challenged him with the truth, his response was, “Who are you to judge me!”

In another session, I was attempting to persuade an educated woman, that she had to completely change her lifestyle. She expressed a desire to marry, but she was so promiscuous, she had 9 abortions. Alarmingly, she had never tested for the HIV/AIDS virus or any STD and refused to do so. Her response? “Who are you to judge me?” Being the attractive woman that she is, she’ll no doubt eventually snag a husband.

Regrettably, her spouse will mostly likely be in for a rude awakening as he experiences the harmful side effects of her past. This includes but is not limited to the consequences of her numerous sex partners, multiple abortions, soul ties and possible STD infection(s). Yet, according to this woman, any messenger who brings these critical issues to her attention, no matter how their delivery, is being judgmental. In today’s self-righteous society, the mantra is, “Only God can judge me!”

Although their assertion is absolutely false, these men and women continue to use that religious sounding veil as a defense mechanism to hide their sin and gloss over their faults. They adamantly refuse to accept responsibility for their actions. Consequently, these types of individuals make for horrible spouses. They are just another one of the primary reasons why so many marriages fail.

Marriage Is Awesome And It Still Works Just Fine!
Don’t be discouraged by the alarming negative statistics. Don’t lose faith in holy matrimony. Marriage is an awesome institution and it still works just fine! It works when people follow the first and last instruction manual on the subject, which is the Written Word of God!

Do matrimony the right way! Become the right mate and learn how to choose the right mate. Be responsible for your actions. Don’t blame others for your poor decisions and unhealthy choices. Don’t ruin your chances at love by a living low lifestyle. Prepare yourself for your mate by embracing godly morals and family values.

There are couples who are prime illustrations of how to do marriage the right way. Surround yourself with these honorable men and virtuous women and follow their examples! Receive their sage advice and nuggets of wisdom. Allow them to be your marital mentors.

Finally, examine your personal beliefs and attitudes about the opposite sex and matrimony and adjust or eliminate any beliefs, feelings or opinions that would hinder you from experiencing a vibrant and healthy union. Do those things, keep the faith and true love will find you!

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